Feel The Love

... and seduction that comes with life.

CAT - a few days.

 Good Afternoon! 

It is Friday. So my monday! I just had my two days off. Pretty much a blur were the two days. Except for the fact that I went to vicky secrets and bought me some panties! semi annual sale going on! loving it.  I got a new bathing suit as well and two colorful tank tops! My friend JFlo would be in love with me and my shopping skills for the week. Even though I did not attend a Forever21 store. 

And my matthew went with me and he actually had fun shopping. Then we enjoyed a nice big meal at OutBack with plenty of drinks.

Mind you, Tuesday night I guess I was very drunk off three long island Iced Teas and 3 shots and one beer. 
I went home to just yell at  my boyfriend and continue to say "F U! F U!"  then "I have to puke! "
Great! how sexy am I... come here baby now kiss me. yuck.
I am sure we have all been there... except the fact that I havent had a hang over in MONTHS! goo me. But then had to get up on wed. morning and do an event at carrabba's. Oh how lovely. I was ten minutes late. Customers were already there and then with it being my day off they stayed an hour past when they said they would be gone. Thank you Insurance convention. I needed to watch you smooze. 
Needless to say that lead into the shopping and then more drinking from that night. after I had a major full stomach from my sandwich and blooming onion. 

Yesterday matthew and I slept until 2pm. I dont think swimming at 4am in the morning has anything to do with why we went to bed so late. 
then made taco salad for dinner after I read a book all day. It was pretty relaxing. 

I am stuck on watching this Casey Anthony Trial. In bed, eating food and just in a robe. Hahaha. 

I haven't done much today! I am cuddling with the dogs! 

Everyone from customers to co workers to my friends have all been talking about this CAT.  and I just can't get over the fact that everyone listens to the media and have made up there mind with what happened vs. what the facts state and that CASEY will not be found guilty with the little to no evidence they have on her. 

BTW- let me fill you in on what has happened in the last year

Matt and I live together now.
i work in Altamonte Springs Carrabba's
I Live in Casselberry FL
I am 24. very old.
matt still is married... but lets hope that wont last much longer since his wife / ex wife is driving EVERYONE crazy with her random outbursts and crying and begging and just being a needy child. 


I am getting bored with this Trial - so I am going to make some food! 

Pre period stuffing face week.


New Entries For The Boyfriend

I will try and write you everyday my dearest crush.
So then you have someplace to read about what I am doing when I am away or even when I have a random thought.

You know, this livejournal has entries in it from way back in High School. So, like 6 years ago, if not more.

I used to be a good little writer. But not really anymore.

So I have been doing laundry, getting ready for my trip next week.

I am from the country! I have been listening to country songs, trying to prepare myself for the trip there.
because thats all my sister really listens too. :-) she loves her fourwheeling, camping, and drinking budlight.

some songs I have been listening too:

I dont expect you to enjoy any of these... but they def. are me.
when you finally get to see my town... you will laugh.
I grew up listening to reba and the eagles.

American Honey- Lady Antebellum
Famous in a small town- miranda lambert  ( This is me more then you know:
So Close Now- Eli Young Band
Small town kid- Eli Young Band  <-- Story of my life.

wait until you see how hick i become! oh my.
I am giving you alot to play with here when you get bored and miss me.
  -- julies graduation week with cory  (in every album you can see julies butt at least once)  --- last christmas I was home. Snowboarding photos!  -- i was young here. 17 to 19ish  -- summer of 2006 before moving to florida

example:  bahahahahaha  --- first summer home after moving to florida --- my moms wedding.. in the fall... it was a hick wedding at the elks club.  --- last summer 2009 trip to vermont... cute videos

I hope you enjoy my country side since you really only see the hippie side of me.. and i am way more country then hippie.

love you.


Picture Perfect Memories. Scattered.

If i was a smart girl. . .

i would not have been the fool who left,

the idiot that begs for you back

or the insecure girl who calls late at nights.

I should've been chasing you
I should've been trying to prove
That you were all that mattered to me
I should've said all the things that I kept inside of me
And maybe I could've made you believe
That what we had was all we'd ever need

I am sitting here in Lucas's shirt and shorts because i dont have any enegy to move right now and I stayed over at his house last night because it was Halloween. and the bars stayed open an extra hour! and we drank. and we went swimming and we slept.
I feel like my heart breaks everyday. and I just want to win. I just want to be the one around you everyday. I wish that like every sad song I have been listening too, i wish that it was easier to get over this damn heart ache that drags me down. I cant even have fun without thinking about it, and then it makes me hurt even more. I know deep down that I will be okay. I know deep down that everything will turn out okay. It just feels like its all blowing up in my face.

I just wanted my best friend back. I wanted the person who made me feel better about everything back. The person who had faith in me, even when i didnt. I hate love, like, lust and even comfortablitity. Im so lost without.  I wish you could feel how empty I feel.  I hate pretending that I am okay. when I really am not. Its like lying to everyone everyday. and then eventually I start believing it myself. and then when i relieze that its all a lie. It hurts as much as it did the first day.

Why do you have to pretend to be strong when your really not.

I havent hurt this much it feels like in a very long time. Like high school.

I can't say stuff like I HOPE YOUR HAPPY and I'LL GET THROUGH IT.
because its not fair. I want someone to feel the exact way that I am feeling. I want someone to hurt with me. It sucks.

what would i do without looking back at some of my photos.

Let me fix this problem. :-) 

But please... give me a chance to fix it.



Nobody knows it but me:

Still sleep in the shirt you left.
I stare at your photograph
Everyday I wipe my tear away
My friends think im moving on, But I'm really not that strong
I kept all the words you said, in a box under my bed.
The truth is I have been screaming out.
Your in all of my dreams.
Every song remindes me of you.
you always thought I was stronger.
I keep failing.


your such a mess.

How do you regain your dignity after you make a fool of yourself?


move away?
     Sounds    like    the    best    option.

Then I felt like i did the walk of shame this morning because of my outfit. makes me look like I am in underwear leaving someones house.

Mongo: "Steffanie you are not a whore...stop making people think you are."

I want to be back in Orlando Already.

Crazy Girlfriends.

So i made myself feel better by watching some videos.. I think girls always get this way when they get upset and boys dont do what they want them to do.  Or Maybe its our hormones. 

But why are boys such boys? Why dont they pick on boys more. I feel like sometimes they force themselves to be heartless, just so the can't hurt there pride or ego. I need a little emo boy. Why did I never follow the emo boys?  (if you know me... you have to know it took me a good 7.5 minutes to type that one sentance... i broke out in the heartless song, then i youtubed it... then i found a boyslikegirls and taylor swift together song... now i am back.) 

I am ready to be back in Orlando. Jacksonville has nothing promising for my little life.

I wanted to be Lady GaGa for Halloween.. I just cant find a blonde wig. crappy.

5 things I should do tonight before bed:

5) Download the new boyslikegirls CD
4)  Call Julie.    *(*... calling her right now... mom went missing from monday until tonight... she went to camp drunk, SOOO funny, and julie is drunk and i made the rounds with talking to people in springfield vermont, ashley L. and Matt Gentes... oh man.)
3)Eat something Healthy
2)Read a Book.
1)Get off this computer.

Hopefully I'll wake up happier tomorrow then i did today.



Broken Heart Pills.

I was talking to this girl on Facebook and we were talking about Broken Hearts. I have figured out a great way to become rich. A Broken Heart Pill. Something that makes you not feel like your heart breaks everytime you speak to someone, think about them or hear there voice. Maybe something that puts your in thoughts of everything else besides what is breaking your heart. Why has no one figured this out yet?

I am so stessed about the whole moving situation. I am glad Austin agreed to move back to Orlando with me.

I wont have to go into this all alone. :)

I havent been able to keep food down for 3 days. only water and alcohol. and I still burp. like I am sick.
I miss my old life. I feel like a failure.  Foolish me.
One day. Thats all I can look forward to.

Ill write more later. I am looking for places to live.

An empty room, A broken fairy tale
A hollow girl with empty arms
From an angel's tears, God made the stars
Why can't he make me an unbreakable heart


Fresh Start. Backfire.

I always think that starting over is going to make everything better.
and even at twenty two everything blows up in my face.

I want to be back in orlando.
I love the people here in jacksonville, but i miss my life.

I miss joey. I miss taylor. I miss my friends. i miss being able to do nothing sitting with joey.
or sitting with taylor. or sitting alone by the pool.
I want it all back. I want my happy life back.

I'll wirte more tomorrow.
on the phone with joey.





To see a canoe in your dream, represents serenity, simplicity, and independence. It is also a reflection of your emotional balance. You are moving ahead via your own power and determination.

To see blood in your dream, represents life, love, and passion as well as disappointments. If you see the word "blood" written in your dream, then it may refer to some situation in your life that is permanent and cannot be changed.

To dream that you are bleeding or losing blood, signifies that you are suffering from exhaustion or that you are feeling emotionally drained. It may also denote bitter confrontations between you and your friends. Your past actions has come back to haunt you. Women often dream of blood or of someone bleeding shortly before or during their periods and when they are pregnant

To dream that you are hemorrhaging, suggests loss of vitality, loss of faith in yourself, and lack of self-confidence. Also consider where you are hemorrhaging from and analyze the symbolism of that body part.


To dream that you have been stabbed, signifies your struggle with power. You may be experiencing feelings of inadequacy and defensiveness. Alternatively, you may be feeling betrayed as the popular phrase goes, "being stabbed in the back".

Also my last dream about marrying a rich boy i couldnt be with and knowing his name.

To dream of lust, suggests that you are lacking or feeling unfulfilled in� some aspect of your life. Alternatively, you� need to exercise some self-control.

To dream that you are planning your own wedding to someone you never met, is a metaphor symbolizing the union of your masculine and feminine side. It represents a transitional phase where you are seeking some sort of balance between your aggressive side and emotional side.


To dream that you or someone has a secret, represents hidden power. It suggests that something needs to emerge from your unconscious.

oh man.

30 things i should do today.

30 things I should do today but probably will not....

30. eat something healthy
29. dance 
28. smile a lot
27. call Alec
26. call brad
25. make new friends
24. give sammy a bath
23. get off this computer
22. write something meaningful
21. call family
20. go for a walk
19. watch gossip girl
18. pick up a shift at work
17. pay bills
16. firgure out what to do with my relationship
14. find someone other then preston... someone serious.
13. contact my old friends
12. get pretty
11. go to a bar
10. go to theeee bar
09. find a cute boy
08. make new girlfriends
07. stop dreaming and start acting.
06. clean my room
05. text brad
04. tell  my true feelings
03. find a concert to go and see
02. bite my tongue
01. be happy.

Tired song, on a tired radio

Sometimes the world seems to be a little crazy.

Sometimes, all of us, including myself seems to think the world is going to collapes and end if our hearts are breaking, or our boyfriend goes crazy and we have no way to fix it.

but there a bigger worries in this small tiny world then just my own personal love problems.
I should be happy who i am with. happy with my life.
live it to the fullest.
but itscrazy. i was watching this show on the health channel of the worlds littles people.
I want to love and hug them. they must have so much saddness. i hope they dont,  i really hope they dont. or the blind. or the deaf. ( i work with this guy... hes 27ish... and deaf... cutest nicest, friendliest, hardworking, kind hearted man... and by me hugging him... makes his day.)

I like making people smile.
it makes me feel good.

I think that is my goal for the whole week.
make someone new smile each day.

There are bigger problems in the world then just my itty bitty love problems.

Have you ever tried mushrooms?

                                 Like have you ever Tripped?

The song Name by the googoodolls. remind me of my first trip.

I felt like a little kid all over again.
                             i realized so many  things about life.
so many things about who i was.
I felt so innocent again.

i am so glad i tried that... it felt so amazing.
i cant even explain how i felt.


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